How to Train Your Pet Rock, By Maud Pie
by Scooter Dracon
Summary: This was written by Maud Pie, an expert rockologist from just outside Ponyville. She has agreed to tell the public about her unusual but effective methods of training a genuine pet rock.


** Okay, this is just some kind of joke fanfic with Maud writing about how to train a pet rock. I'm serious, it was Maud who wrote this. No joke I can travel through universes. Anyway, I hope you find this useful.**

Okay, you just got a pet rock, so here's how to take care of it:

**Your pet rock and you.**

Your pet rock will be a devoted friend and companion for many years to come. Rocks enjoy a rather long life span so the two of you will never have to part-at least not on your pet rock's account. Once you have transcended the awkward training stage your rock will mature into a faithful, obedient, loving pet with but one purpose in life-to be at your side when you want it to, and to go lie down when you don't.

A pet rock is perfect for people who hate animals, are allergic to animals, or who are not allowed to keep animals. When you own a pet rock you haver have problems with leash law violations, you'll never have to clean up nasty messes, and your pet will haver keep you and the neighbors awake at night. Pet rocks are welcome anywhere!

**SECTION ONE**

**Simple obedience.**

**Come.**

It is essential that your pet rock learn this command. A rock that doesn't come when it's called will cause its owner endless embarassment. To teach the command COME, place your rock on the floor or ground and take a few steps backward. Next, bending over from the waist, place your hooves upon your knees and face your rock. Now, with firm authority, say COME BOULDER. (If you have not named your rock Boulder you may wish to say something else.) Repeat the command, COME BOULDER.

Assuming your rock is normal, it will probably now respond.

Start again.

Bending over from the waits, face your rock, clap your hooves, and let your face light up as you cay, COME BOULDER, C'MON FELLA, HERE GIRL, and stuff like that. Now, start walking slowly towards your rock. Incredibly, as you walk toward your rock, you will notice that it actually is coming closer. This means your pet rock is learning to command, COME.

Praise your rock and give it a pat of approval.

**Stay.**

The next command to teach your rock is STAY. It is very important that your pet rock learn this command as it is dosconcerting to have a rock that will wander around while you are shopping for groceries or having your hair done.

Return to your training area and set your rock upon the floor or ground. Look at your rock intently, like you really mean business, and give the command, STAY. Surprisingly, most rocks have no difficulty learning this command and respond quite obediently the first time they hear it.

Repeat the command, STAY, and slowly back away from your rock. If your rock should move, and this is highly unlikely, shout the command while gesturing dramatically with the frog of your outstretched hoof. In no time at all your pet rock will be responding to this obedience command each and every time. With further patience you can train your rock to STAY by using only the hoof signals.

**Sit.**

This is not a difficult command to teach a pet rock as most rocks spend the bulk of their time sitting around anyways. However, a refresher course is certainly in order since you will want your rock to sit when you want it to, not when it wants to.

Place your rock in its training area and give the command, SIT. Many rocks will attempt to deceive you by lying down, thinking that you won't know the difference. This should not be encouraged! If you say, SIT, then your rock should sit, and that's all there is to it.

Here is a simple method to ensure your pet rock always obeys your commands:

Repeat the order, SIT, and slowly walk away from your rock. Now, hide in another room and, from time to time, peek in on your rock to make sure it hasn't moved. If it lies down, when it should be sitting, storm into the room and shout, BAD ROCK, BAD ROCK! Your pet rock will know it has displeased you and will return to the sitting position. It will also know who's the boss!

Once your pet rock learns the command, SIT, add the command, STAY. Your rock will now remain sitting until further notice.

**Down.**

It would be cruel to leave your rock in the sitting position forever. Therefore, it is necessary that you teach it the command, DOWN. After sitting for a long period of time your rock will appreciate the chance to relax. It is also nice, when you have house guests, to own a pet rock that will lie, unobtrusively and lovingly, at your feet.

Teaching the command, DOWN, is best accomplished in conjunction with the command, SIT. After your pet rock has been in the sitting position for a while, give it the command, DOWN. If you've made a big fuss about your rock sitting properly it may be reluctant to move. Place your foot upon your rock and push it firmly into the carpet or dirt. It won't take long before your rock understands what you want it to do. DOWN is another of the training commands that most rocks respond to with a minimum of teaching. It is in a pet rock's nature that it learns to get down so easily.

Praise your rock and give it a gently, reassuring hug.

**Stand.**

You're a little confused if you think a pet rock can be taught to STAND. A rock has no feet.

**Heel.**

It is extremely unusual to see a rock strolling around unaccompanied. There's a very good reason for this. Most pet rock owners have had the patience and good judgment to teach the command, HEEL.

To teach your pet rock to HEEL, simply follow these easy steps. First, place your pet rock on the floor or ground directly behind your right heel. Next, give the command, HEEL, and stand aboslutely still. Slowly, without moving your feet, turn and look down at your rock. You will be both pleased and amazed to see it is still there, right where you want it to be, directly behind your right heel. Your pet rock has learned the command.

Praise your rock.

**SECTION TWO**

**Amusing Tricks.**

Few pets are more anxious to please their masters than are pet rocks. It is surprisingly easy to teach your rock cute little tricks that will entertain you and your friends for hours.

**Roll Over.**

Your pet rock will learn this trick the very first time you give it a lesson. That statement may be hard to believe but it is, nevertheless, quite true.

The best place to teach your pet rock to ROLL OVER is on the side of a hill. Place your rock on the ground at the top of a hill and give the command, ROLL OVER. Now, let go of your rock. It's that simple!

Your rock will roll end-over-end and will not stop until it tires of the game. Pet rocks usually get tired of the game when they reach the bottom of the hill. Follow your rock and praise it profusely. This praise will make your pet rock very happy and it will repeat the trick as soon as you return it to the top of the hill.

You will tire of this trick long before your pet rock does.

**Play Dead.**

Your pet rock will take to this trick like a duck takes to water. It is one of the most entertaining tricks a rock can learn, and a trick that is sure to get many affectionate laughs and approving glances from you and your friends.

Take your pet rock to its training area and, when you have its undivided attention, give the command, PLAY DEAD. If your rock is like most rocks it will not have to be told more than once. Immediately, it will go completely stiff as though rigor mortis has set in, and will remain in this posture until you give a different command.

Rocks enjoy this trick so much that often, when you're not even looking, they'll actually practice it on their own. It's not unusual to walk into a room and see a pet rock playing dead.

**Shake Hooves.**

Don't be ridiculous. You can't teach a rock to shake hooves.

**Fetch.**

To teach your pet rock to FETCH, throw a stick or a ball as far as you can. Next, throw your pet rock as far as you can. Rarely, if ever, will your pet rock return with the object, but that's the way it goes.

**Attack Training.**

A rock is a loyal, devoted pet that can easily be trained to protect you and your family. Woe be to the burglar or prowler who ventures into the home guarded by a pet rock-or the mugger who attempts to accost a pet rock's master.

There are two basic attack methods to teach your pet rock.

1.) Long Distance Attacks

2.) Close Range Attacks

**Long Distance Attacks.**

In those instances when your adversary is at a distance (such as when a bully kicks sand in your face on the beach and keeps on running), your pet rock will respond to the challenge instantly and effectively in assuring that it never happens again. First, wipe the sand from your eyes. Next pick up your pet rock. Shout the command, ATTACK!, and throw your rock at the bully with all your might. This method of protection is sure-fire and results are guaranteed, although you may want to practice your aim before attempting this maneuver.

**Close Range Attacks.**

If you are threateded at close range always use the Close Range Attack Method; it is the ultimate form of personal protection. The element of surprise enters into this attack method, thereby making it doubly effective.

When the adversary approaches within arm's length and demands all your money, credit cards, and other valuables follow these easy steps:

Reach into your pocket or purse as though you were going to comply with the mugger's demands. Extract your pet rock. Shout the command, ATTACK. And bash the mugger's head in.

Pet rocks really seem to enjoy this exercise and, in most cases, come away from the attack little the worse for wear.

**NOTE:**

Owners of Attack Trained pet rocks have a responsibility to society to use their dangerous pets for protection only, and not for instigating trouble of any kind.

**In closing...**

As the owner of a pet rock you have assumed a responsibility to love and care for this new addition to your family. If your rock should misbehave, be it should cause your problems, be forgiving. Under no circumstances should you turn your pet rock loose. The world is already overcrowded with discarded, unwanted rocks, and millions must be destroyed each year. These poor, unfortunate rocks meet brutal ends in roadbeds, cement mixers, or as land fill. Don't allow your pet rock to meet an untimely demise at the bottom of an obscure pile of rubble. Remember; if you take care of your pet rock, your pet rock will take care of you.

**Thank you, Maud! I'm sure that pet rock trainers everywhere will adopt your amazing methods! Yeah, I told you this was a little joke fanfic. This was supposed to be a copy-and-paste-into-your-profile thing, but my profile is so full of those that I just decided to turn it into something that Maud wrote, considering she is the master of rocks. I mean, she taught Boulder how to EAT A SANDWICH! How did she even do that? Anyway, I hope you enjoyed!**

**Also, I just wanted to add in something else that didn't fit into my profile, so here it is!**

**4 ways to be KICKED out of a supermarket: ****_HILARIOUS !_**

**#1: If you can, write "I see dead people..." on the typewriters. #2: Unwrap all the chocolate bars saying,"I've got to find that golden ticket.." #3: Put a Dora The Explorer doll in the middle of the store and if someone tries to pick it up, jump out and say,"SWIPER NO SWIPING!" #4: Throw Skittles at people and shout, "Taste the Rainbow!"**

**Review, favorite, and share!**


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